"The Darkest Time"
It was the end of April 1992 and
my freshman year was closing in. Everything seemed to be going great,
I had new friends, a job, and Freshman Year was almost over. But
a dark day was going to come upon me and was oblivious to it.
I had just come home and my dad told
me that my abuela was just rushed to the hospital. I didn't even
wait to hear the rest nor did I bother to grab my car keys. I just
ran, ran as fast as I could to the hospital. When I got there, my
mother was in the emergency room waiting area. She said "Abuela stopped
breathing, she stopped breathing on the way here. But, the doctors
revived her. She is going to intensive care." I was so out
of breath, I almost fainted. I started wheezing (I have asthma).
My mother had to get a nurse. The nurse gave me a Provential treatment
and told me to get some rest. My mother sent me home. The next
day I returned, to find that my abuela was hooked up to all sorts of machines
and that she had a heart attack. The doctors said she would be fine.
A week later, they moved her from intensive care to special care.
It looked good, she would be home soon. But while in special care
she has another heart attack, revived again, and moved to intensive care.
It did't look good, but a few days later she was back to normal.
And again they moved her to Specail Care. Let me tell you, Special
Care is no different that a regualr hospital unit. I argued with
my mother not to let them move her, she needed more time being closely
watched. But the doctors felt she was in good shape. A week
past and on a Friday, I called my abuela at the hospital. She told
me she would home on Sunday, the doctors say I am healthy again.
I told my abuela I couldn't stop by that night because I had an "End of
the School Year" party, but maybe I could stop by before I go to the party
for a few minutes. She said to me in Spanish "Lisa, don't worry.
Come in the morning, I will be waiting. Have a good time and be careful."
I said I love you and I promise I will be there bright and early in the
morning. I left for my party and when I got home, there was no one
home. I didn't think. I just laid down and turned on the T.V.
About an hour later my mother and father came home. My mother came
to my room and had a sad look in her eyes. She told me abuela had
another heart attack and was in a coma. I said no that can't be,
she's coming home Sunday. But it was true and for the next week I
spent all my free time at her bed side, praying. I went to church
every day and lit a candle, begging god to please not take her away.
A specialist finally finished all his test and told us grim news.
My abuela was brain dead and that the multiple heart attacks in such short
time had irreversibly damaged her. And on May 14, 1992 my parents
without telling me decided to "pull the plug" from life support.
I came home that afternoon and found
my mother sitting ouside our apartment building, waiting for me.
I knew something was wrong. I started to cry as my mother told me
abuela was gone. I could not accept it, I wanted to see her.
But my mother said I couldn't, they had decided to have a cremation.
I became angry, very angry and went up to the apartment and began punching
and kicking holes in the walls. I was acting crazy and I couldn't
stop. I blamed everyone, God especially because he didn't answer
my prayers. My father came home from work, grabbed me, and held me.
He gave me a valium and put me to sleep. I don't know how long I
slept but the anger had subsided. I called my best friend Hernando.
He told me to come over. He comforted me like no other person could.
He was and still is my closest friend. A week later we had the memorial
service for abuela. I didn't know if I could go. But Hernando
came to my house bright and early and got me up. He was the only
friend there for me. That time came and past. Now years later
I still cannot bring myself to visit my abuela's grave. I have never
see it and I hope that one day I can bring myself to go. I still
don't forgive myself for not seeing her on that Friday.
I Did Not Die
Do not stand at my
grave and weep.
I am not there, I
do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds
I am the diamond glints
I am the sunlight
on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn
When you awaken in
the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting
Of quiet birds in
I am the soft stars,
that shine at night.
Do not stand at my
grave and weep.
I am not there, I
did not die.
"Abuela, te quero mucho"
You are the angel
that sits on my shoulder and guides me. I know you are with me throughout
everything. Your love has helped overcome many obstacles. And I felt
you there on my wedding day. You were watching and smiling.
I know you are in heaven and we will be together when it is my turn to
pass into a new life.
~ My Angel ~
My Angel loves me this I know
I feel it when her heart's aglow
I feel her warmth when she is here
I always know when she is near
She calms me with her gentle love
She gives me strength from up above
I always know when she's around
It's hard for me to wear a frown
The gift of love is always here
She helps me get through all the
She dries my eyes with angel dust
And calms my spirit when life is
She does these things without a
And still I know when she's around.
(used with permission,
~ My Abuela ~
Dedicated to My Grandmother
Date of Birth 01/11/1918
Date of ReBirth 05/14/1992
So many memories tucked
I save them for a
Whenever I am sad
I look at sky and
I see you
My heart has always
felt your touch
Your tenderness was
loved so much
Your gentle smile
and caring hand
Now lacy wings at
Right before my face
My kind sweet Grandma
Reaching for me from
I never have to say
What a gift she gave
Her heart of love
I always see
In any mirror that
I see a face I won't
A special angel flying
Special colors in
Sending down her sparkling
Glowing in God's love
What a treasured memory
The love I feel so
Reaching out like
Forever feel her sweet
(used with permission,@2000)
Thank You Francine
for writing this.
Abuela, you are and
always will be the wind beneath my wings. You are in my heart now
and forever. Until we meet again abuela. This is for you, know
I always think of you.